 |  |
I have been meaning to write; but sometimes, I just cannot. It is not writer’s block. It is avoidance. I do not desire to get to the heart of myself at times. I absolutely dislike crying. I will avoid doing so if I can.
The last two years held plenty of crying – grieving the loss of my dad. And then, my Mother first fell on the anniversary of my Dad’s passing. She then fell again several weeks later in which she fractured a lower vertebra and ultimately lost her independence. In the midst between the two, I lost one of my cats, Calvin. His life ended suddenly and quickly. It was a terrible time for me as he hid his sickness until the very end. I missed all the signs. As a result, I felt so guilty about him for the longest time.
Today marks the two year anniversary of my Dad’s passing. I almost could not stand to see him lie there slipping away in his sleep when the Morphine kicked in. He told us all he loved us. And, he spoke personally to my Mother. And then, he slipped away into sleep. I certainly could not stay there and watch him pass away. I will never forget the screaming going on in my mind while watching him. And, here I am crying again.
It took me two years to process my grief.
Two years to internalize all that was said and done.
Two years of fight and flight – ‘dealing with’ and ‘avoidance’.
During these two years, I came to peace with Dad’s passing,
peace over Calvin’s circumstances and passing,
peace about Mother and the fact she’ll not return home.
I miss my dad. I miss my mother’s presence in her house. I miss the constancy of knowing I had a childhood home to return to and that my folks would be there – especially over the holidays.
The one constant in life is change. Changes are inevitable. I know that there will be more changes in this year. But, that doesn’t mean I like them – I never did. However, I am coming to an acceptance.
Let come what may. I will no longer fight. I am at peace. Yes, I still grieve. Yes, it still hurts – tremendously. But, as of this moment, I am at peace and all is well.
And, that is a good thing. Right?
Thank you for sharing such personal thoughts. I sometimes think it helps to share it. I also think crying helps to cleanse us of all the things we bottle up...at least it does for me. I usually feel better after a good cry.
ReplyDeleteI didn't know that your Mom fell on the anniversary of your Dad's passing. I had a similar experience at the time of my Mom's death. I couldn't be there at the very end...she was on a ventilator and her lungs weren't able to make the oxygen exchange. It was horrible...and I can't think about it now. In fact, I've asked God to take that memory away because it was so painful. Maybe I'm avoiding, too. I do that a lot too...I can't think about my cats death either because it was so horrible. It took me several years before I could go through Mom's things without bawling.
I'm glad you've finally found some peace. :)
'May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us'
ReplyDeleteI didn't write this but I think it says what you were also saying. I'm glad you've found peace. =^.^=
@Kara: It certainly hasn't been easy for either one of us. I'm sorry that you too went through this kind of pain and anguish. God leads us through it all. If it wasn't for my faith in Him, I would be so lost.
ReplyDelete@Pussyfoots: That is a variation of a prayer of St. Theresa. It is beautiful. Thank you for sharing that. :-)
I'm still here Sis and, I love you!
ReplyDelete