Thursday, June 9, 2011

A Moody Pictorial Essay

The last two blogging breaks I took are due to the fact my soul was in anguish. I felt frayed to the core I just could not deal with coming up with stuff to post. I needed to recoup and deal with life first in order to avoid serious depression.

The last two times I visited my mother, she was not up to visiting. She was sick and slept. It appears that she has given up on life. And, after the last time I visited her, my heart broke. We no longer visit, talk and rub off one another. I miss my mother. And, I despair that I will ever have a decent visit with her again.

After the last time I visited Mother, I went up to the lake house afterwards where Daddy is ever present in my memories. Having this along with the heartbreak concerning Mother just overwhelmed me at times.

The phrase “I lost my mother” kept going through my mind and I worried for her because she seemed so sick. She refuses to go see a doctor that may help get to the bottom of her constant sickness. And, I feel so helpless.

I did enjoy being at the lake house. It was exactly what I needed to do. I am ever thankful to my youngest niece for inviting us there to see her and her daughter. They were the driving force of my going back to that place as I always want to see them. I now know that I can and will go back to the lake house again. There is happiness there too with family.

We relaxed, watched the boys play video games, visited, observed and played with the dogs, ate like a pig, and just had a good time. The lake itself was too rough to take the boat out and none of us went swimming. My youngest nephew was the lone brave soul to take out the jetski early one evening and wore himself out going over the waves. Oh, to be young again.

This little girl is just too cute. She is a very happy and contented baby. She doesn’t mind at all being held by others beside her parents. In fact, she likes to be held by anybody that is standing up.

I am ever hesitant to ask to hold her or to bravely just take a baby away from Mommy or Daddy; but, the others did not hesitate. It is a joy to simply watch her. She is happy and contented no matter what her situation is at the moment. She is precious.

The one time Dan held her just before they left is the one time she was tired and fussy. Dan was the only person standing and I thought she might want to be with him. He offered to hold her. She didn’t want Dan and it was just too amusing. Dan felt bad; but, understood that she just was very tired. Hopefully, the next time Dan should ever want to hold her, she will be in a better frame of mind.

I am anxious to see this littlest girl again. I dislike the long months that go in between the times we do not see the little ones because they grow up so fast! In fact, I feel this way with all of the little ones including Dan’s side of the family. Facebook is no substitute for the real thing; but, it is better than nothing. Those twins on Dan’s side of the family are just too cute!

I am also anxious to see my other littlest niece and nephew again. I am happy that they are returning to Texas soon for it just might give us a chance to see them more often. And, a new little one will be arriving in September. Such a joyous time that will be.

In spite of feeling broken at times and in spite of the tattered dreams, there is beauty in life. Life does go on and the grief from loss does ease.

Do not miss me if I should suddenly go silent. It just means that I am taking a break for myself. Or it could just simply mean that I have gone vacationing or visiting with family. And, one day, it will mean that I am gone from this world enjoying life in Heaven with Dad, Gram and all the others that have gone before me. Hopefully, this will be quite a distance in the future for I still have dreams to pursue.