Thursday, August 21, 2014

Five Minute Friday: Tell


To read the details about "Five Minute Friday", go here.

I am not linking up at the Five Minute Fridays linky party for various reasons of my own. So, if you stumble across this via search or whatnot and happen to be one of these participants, I bid you welcome. But please, treat me kindly and I thank you in advance.

I have a confession. I have been doing my own version of “Five Minute Fridays” when the mood strikes me. This started a month or so ago. It is not limited to one day a week or even five minutes. Yes, I break the rules. After all, some rules are meant to be broken, correct?

I just write from my heart and then I go back and edit the heck out of what I wrote. That is another rule I am breaking. You are not supposed to edit what you have written. I confess that I find it hard to believe that the vast majority of the “stories” being shared with the world are unedited and unaltered. If they are truly unedited and unaltered writings, then I bow down to their mastery of this particular skill.

Why do I do this exercise? I do it for journaling, personal therapy, and so much more. It is a safe place to express my thoughts, figure out things, and release my soul. When I find the time, the inclination, or a thought crosses my mind, I write in short bursts. And, I hope to gain courage to share a few of them with the world. I feel like I need to tell the world my story; but, I am an extreme introvert and it is exceedingly difficult to do this very thing.

The above was quickly written and mostly unedited. The prompt for the latest Five Minute Friday was “tell”. I am not pleased with my effort. I fear some will be offended and / or hurt. So, there you go. This is why I rarely share my thoughts and my soul.

I wrote the following on the day of my father’s birthday (July 23). I decided to post it on his facebook wall. So, I will share it here for posterity sake.

Dad, I so wish you was still here with us so that I could wish you a happy birthday. Most of all, I wish that we could just sit, converse and visit with one another.

You have been such a strength and inspiration to me and, I am sure, for all of us. I know that you would have encouraged me to persevere and to keep on keeping on with life. It has been a struggle the past couple of years; but, whenever I have a situation, I think of you and know you would have kept on moving and going forward. Because of you, I do not want to give up.

Thank you for being the Daddy I needed in my life. Thank you for being a great example when life and health knocks you down. Thank you for being you. I wish I could tell you this face to face. At least, I still have this wall to write down some of my thoughts.

Lord have mercy, tears still fall down on my face.

Here is another I have written on August 8, 2014 when a clear thought crossed my mind while standing in the shower. I knew I had something to write about and found the time (to write).

“It’s not cold; but, I feel cold.”

I was standing in the hot shower and I feel cold when this thought runs across my mind. This is not a feeling of what most people would think of as cold. It is a feeling of frozenness of an emotional kind. I am just benumbed. I do not feel like doing anything and have not accomplished anything for days on end. I am in hibernation. It is a survival mechanism when life and/or emotions become too much for me to handle. I have to retreat from the world.

Note to my readers: I think it is part of being an extreme sensitive (both empathetic and personal) and insecure introvert. Every personality test I have taken comes up with INFJ (or an extremely similar name). I do not think deafness plays a critical part; but, I do not discount it either.

(For more information on the INFJ personality, check out a description here.)

I believe the reason for this happening at this time of my life is I am still dealing with the death of my mother who passed away August 13 of last year (2013).