I don’t know what to say. I honestly don’t.
When I returned to see Mother this past weekend, I noticed a change. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it.
Oh, she seemed cheerful. She said she’s doing fine and still walking. And yet, she refused to do therapy on Sunday. The lady is bullheaded. If she doesn’t like a person or is afraid of something, she isn’t going to do it and she’s downright rude about it. Nothing is getting across to her that if she doesn’t do her therapy and get herself stronger, she’s not going to return home. It just seems like she is defeating herself.
That is not the only thing.
I do not know how to say it. I really don’t.
I think Mother, in spite of all the progress she’s done, is not getting better. In fact, I think she may be failing. I’m not sure what is wrong. It could be her heart...
She’s a different person when it’s just me here. She sleeps all the time except for when she goes for her walk. When she returns, she’s often out of breath and so exhausted. I just don’t think she will ever return home. There is just no way and it’s not safe for her to do so.
And, it breaks my heart.
I fought for her so long and so hard with the one focus, and that was for her to return home. She was so sick when she first landed in the hospital and it was a tough road getting her stabilized. There were occasions where I felt defeated due to one action / decision when she returned back to the Rehab last time. I knew in my heart that it would make it even harder for Mother to return home if she comes to acceptance of them. And, I was right.
All week long, I struggled with this. I have to face the reality that it’s just not meant to be. I am struggling with the “why” of it all. I also struggled with overwhelming grief and I still haven’t totally dealt with Daddy’s passing. It makes me feel angry… and helpless…
She may be here for years or she may be gone in a heartbeat.
The one thing that may keep her going is that she will be a Great-Grandmother again sometime this coming November. She was so excited and thrilled when she received the call this past Thursday that it was going to be a girl. Yes, it’s going to be a girl! I’m excited, too! I’ll be a Grand Godmother – if there is such a thing. It doesn’t matter. I am really happy for my Goddaughter and her husband and I’m looking forward to my Grand Goddaughter entering the world.
And, it looks like (via facebook) I’m not the only one. Her immediate family already has gone shopping and mailed the unborn child a package. And, the Momma herself already bought a little dress for her unborn child. There is a lot of happiness and excitement and I, for one, am thrilled to see it.