Tuesday, February 2, 2010

"Give Sorrow Words"

"Give sorrow words.” ~ William Shakespeare

Sorrow, or grief, is strange. Sometimes, it is triggered by something that reminds me of the person. Sometimes, a memory just comes over me. And other times, grief will just wash over me without rhyme or reason. For each situation, I’m suddenly overwhelmed with a deep, deep sorrow – I can’t help but sob and silently cry out to God.

They say that time heals all wounds. I have to say, that is a lie. It never goes away.

I think the biggest part of my troubles is that I have not allowed myself to grieve. I did not allow myself to grieve upon my Grandmother’s death years ago. I did not allow myself to grieve over Big Rotten Yellow cat’s death. Then, when we had to put Little One (another cat) to sleep. I had to allow myself to grieve for them all and more. However, I refused to grieve long – another mistake. Grief must be processed and endured.

Life went on and then, Daddy’s passing was devastating. Everything hit me hard. I’m a Daddy’s girl and I felt incomplete upon his passing just over a year ago. And, life changed. I’ve changed; and yet, I continue to live.

What hurt me the most was that Calvin (cat) got so sick so suddenly two months later. I was still grieving deeply for my Dad. And, for Calvin to suddenly get sick like that – I knew in my heart he was dying. We took him to the vet and discovered he had diabetes and congestive heart failure. I felt the deepest guilt over Calvin for the longest time about the way he got sick suddenly. It bothered me. I felt so guilty because I missed the signs.

Granted, there was nothing we could have done. Cats do have a way of hiding their sickness until the very end. He had regular annual checkups with the vets and more – even they did not catch it (diabetes). What gives me solace is that he was very happy kitty since we moved here in San Antonio – it was a good move for both of our cats.

“To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; “

~Ecclesiastes 3:1-4

There is a time for everything. It’s okay to grieve. It’s okay to laugh. It’s okay to enjoy life. It’s okay to cry. And, there is no order for any one thing. Well, for most anything – the exception is that a person is born before they die. I often find myself mourning in the midst of enjoying life – It cycles.

I thank God that nothing else major happened since Calvin’s death. I needed time – time to grieve fully for all things. And, time to return to laughter and joy of life.

And now, worry has entered my life with a single phone call about my Mother. She was taken to the ER yesterday after a fall – it was apparent that she is very sick. They admitted her to the hospital last night. She is having atrial fibrillation and there is a possible blood clot in her lungs. A cardiologist said he does not think the problem(s) she’s having is due to the atrial fibrillation or her heart. They are now waiting for a neurologist.

She did not have a good night – dizziness, nausea and is uncomfortable. She says her back and everything hurts. I am still awaiting word about her from the doctor. I am ready to leave at a moment’s notice if I am needed and/or wanted. Dan is ready to drop everything to take me. Thank God the company he works for is very understanding.

I feel so helpless being here. I wish we still lived in that area. And, I am worried. And, sad – because there is nothing I can do here but pray.